


The love that I want

by Zula_blue



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alex Manes Loves Michael Guerin, Angst, Break Up, Choices, Established Relationship, M/M, passionate love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:21:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27179162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zula_blue/pseuds/Zula_blue
Summary: Alex and Forrest had been dating for six months when he brought up the idea of moving in together. Alex asked for some time to think about it. Now four weeks have come and gone since the topic was first brought up, and he can sense Forrest getting anxious for an answer, just waiting for the moment to bring up the question again.Alex is just not sure what he wants. Sharing a house feels like forever, and a part of him is not ready.
Relationships: Forrest Long/Alex Manes, Michael Guerin & Alex Manes
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	The love that I want

Alex and Forrest had been dating for six months when he brought up the idea of moving in together. Alex asked for some time to think about it. Now four weeks have come and gone since the topic was first brought up, and he can sense Forrest getting anxious for an answer, just waiting for the moment to bring up the question again.

The thing is, Alex feels happy with Forrest. He can picture a future with him, a good one. If Alex analyzes the situation from a logical perspective, it makes sense. Forrest spends most nights at Alex's place; he even has a toothbrush and a change of clothes. Alex likes Forrest, even loves him, and he likes that he knows where he stands. They share an interest in writing, dogs, and ice coffee. Forrest is funny, smart, and calm. They have great chemistry, and for the first time in his life, Alex has been brave enough to publicly being in a relationship with a man. Forrest has helped him embrace that part of himself, and he feels more confident in his own skin. If he says yes, he knows they would live in the cabin. They have more privacy, and Alex feels more comfortable there. Forrest thinks he doesn't like the farm that much due to his cousin, but the truth is that when they spend time at the farm, he can't help but think of Tripp and Nora. He can't help but think of Michael Guerin. So, avoiding the farm is better. 

No matter how many reasons he has to take this next step, there is something inside him holding him back, which says slow down. He lies to himself, saying that it's just nerves of making a more serious commitment. Because this is his longest relationship, and he doesn't want to screw up. He tells himself he is hesitant to let Forrest into his life more fully. Sharing a house feels like forever, and he is not sure he wants that. 

He has been going back and forth in his decision for days, and as much as he wants to ignore what's making him doubt, he can't. The thing is, he only ever imagined having a future with someone—his first love. He couldn't help but feel like if he says yes, he would definitely give up any chance of getting back together with Michael. He thought he was over it, that he was finally moving on. He was deluding himself because a part of his heart will always belong to Michael Guerin, and he is not sure he can build a future with someone else. Their "relationship" was so different from what he has now, full of insecurities, secrets, and shame. They were never good at talking, but somehow they always seemed to have a powerful connection like their souls know they belong to each other. Even with all their troubles and misunderstandings, he can't help but compare him with Forrest. The way he loves Michel is overwhelming and all-consuming. He can forget the rest of the world when they are together, and he would do anything for him. With Forrest, everything feels steadier. Their love is safe and calm; there are no surprises, and everything sometimes seems just so  _ normal,  _ which is great in its own way.

He should have seen it coming, the candlelight dinner and chatting ambiguously of changing the couch.

\- So...Have you thought about it?

\- What?

\- Moving together...- Forrest looks hopeful, and Alex doesn't want to hurt him, but he doesn't want to take this step when his mind and heart are in conflict.

\- I don't think we should do that yet. - He says slowly, trying to gauge his reaction.

\- Why?

\- I just... I don't... I think moving together is going too fast. - Alex hopes they can leave it at that, keep doing what they're doing, but Forrest doesn't let it be.

\- Tell me the real reason why Alex. 

\- What do you mean? I just told you, this...moving together just feels too fast.

Forrest doesn't look convinced, and it is not like him to keep pressing the issue when he notices Alex doesn't want to talk about it. Still, it seems he wants to know more, and maybe Alex's hesitation has been more noticeable than what he thought. 

\- Is that all it is? You just want to slow things down a bit?

Alex wishes he could reassure Forrest and say yes, that's all. But he is looking at him with those big brown eyes, and he can't tell him that, so he deflects.

\- What else would it be? - He regrets it as soon as the words are out because Forrest takes a deep breath before asking.

\- Does this have anything to do with him, your ex? - And that's that. Point blank and straightforward, and Alex freezes, and Forrest takes that as his answer.

\- Do you love me? He asks, and the hurt in his voice is enough to make Alex react.

\- Of course, I do.

\- If we love each other and we are good together, why are you hesitating... You do think we can be happy together, don't you?

\- Yes. It's just... - He has never been good with coming up with the right words on the spot. Even though he has gone over every scenario's pros and cons, he still doesn't feel ready to have this conversation. He can feel Forrest getting mad and knows no matter what he says, he will hurt him.

\- What Alex?! Just tell me what's on your mind. Tell me the truth!

\- The truth is... that I do have strong feelings for you, and I do think we could have a great future together. I just... I am not sure if it is the future I want. This is not about you... it's me. I should want this with you, but...

\- But what Alex? just say it, you are not over him no matter that he chose your best friend over you, no matter that he doesn't want you... We could be happy... being together is simple and feels good. Why is it not enough?

The words stung like they always did, and he wished he knew what to say to not hurt Forrest. But truths are often painful, and he deserved honesty.

\- Because...I don't want normal and comfortable and uncomplicated...I want...

\- What?! What do you want, Alex? 

He knows no matter what happens now, Forrest and him are over. This feels like something they can't come back from. So, he might as well be frank.

\- I want painful, complicated, intense, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love...don't you want the same? - Alex doesn't know where the words are coming from just that finally, after days of going back and forth, this feels right. He knows what he wants. Forrest is just looking resigned and sad. He pushed, and he didn't get the answer he wanted, but he also didn't seem that surprised at the outcome. 

\- No! Alex, love is not supposed to be painful or devastating. Love isn't supposed to hurt. 

Alex thinks that it is a romanticized idea of love, where everything is happiness and bliss. Maybe he is doing this all wrong, but he has loved Michael Guerin for over a decade. They have hurt each other so much over the years that Alex probably shouldn't still feel so much for him, but he does. It might not seem right or healthy for Forrest, but Alex would take the pain and the heartbreak all over again in a heartbeat just to kiss Michael, to hold him one more time. It means something that he feels this way. Because even with all the mess between them, it still feels unfinished. Maybe he won't move on unless he and Michael give themselves a real chance to have a healthy, happy relationship. 

He is letting go of a good man for an unlikely opportunity with Michael. Still, it feels like the right choice. 

\- I never meant to hurt you. I just can't help what I feel.

Forrest just looks at him for a moment waiting to see if Alex would take it all back. When the silence has stretched too uncomfortable, he turns around and leaves. There's nothing left for him.


End file.
